Gasp...pant...wheeze...I just got back from a "walk-run" with BabyStinkPup in the jogger...all 41 lbs of him and _ _ _ lbs of me...hobbling up and down the road. We live in an historic district by the water, and breathtakingly beautiful as it is, the sidewalks here are just as old as the homes, and it makes for some bumpy going. Tried to stick to the side of the road, but there was just too much traffic. Old men in construction vehicles, trying to run us over and senior citizens going 50 mph...yikes. All the while, I'm trying to keep pace, with BabyStinkPup yelling, "Faster! Go Faster!"

It kind of turned into a comedy of errors, with my pants persistently slipping down onto my pancake ass, and me having to hitch them back up every few paces, my ipod earbuds popping out of my ears like corks, and my flatsy patsy chest all a jiggledy. (The other day I wondered aloud where my jogging bra was, and Mr.BS says incredulously, "Do you actually need one?" I retaliated by running down the hall after him, and trying to jam one of my fingers up between his boxer short covered ass cheeks, but he clamped shut the crack door before I got a good vengeful jab at him. God, am I really sharing this with you?!) Anyway, I passed two moms out strolling with their...ecch..Gracos (Yes, I'm a stroller snob too, I'm sorry...) I heard one of them telling the other that she wished their stroller had a motor on it...lazy!...and though they both said hello kindly, I could feel their, "Who the hell does she think SHE is?" dagger looks hitting me in my back as I ran past. Can't say I blame them, because...just who the hell DO I think I am, anyway? I'm so out of shape, I must have looked a frightful mess trying to muscle the cumbersome jogger up and down the hill!

I stopped by my friend's house across the way to see if she wanted to join me in my torture-cise, but being she answered the door in her nightgown, you know I ended up having to brave the rest of my trip without her. The most fun was when we finally turned into our drive, and I ran as fast as I could down the rocky, bumpy dirt lane, with BabySP howling with laughter. Not the safest thing to do on my part, but hey, I did have the safety cord for the e-brake around my wrist, so even if I did bite the dust, he still wouldn't have rolled down the yard into the water! So we were okay.

At least I'm making an attempt to keep up with my bikini resolution...couldn't go to the gym because BabySP has a cough and is on Zithromax, so I don't want to expose him, or other kiddies to him at the childcare there. It's amazing how much today's trip kicked my ass SO much more than the treadmill does. The actual movement that traverses physical distances...so much more taxing than stationary exercise...Wow, am I a loser!

Meanwhile, CStink's going to be running a 5k race in her town, and I'm totally going to be there to cheer her on when she crosses the finish line! I'll be holding up a big sign for her that says, "What's that smell?!" hahaha...Then I'll douse her in a bucket of Gatorade. Later!

Me Stink Pretty One Day

I swear, knowing CStink may be akin to knowing a female version of David Sedaris. She's so funny, smart and insightful on levels that you could only imagine! The stuff that comes out of her mouth has me, and those around us just rolling with laughter. Her shock value is dead on, and right up my alley, and the fact that she doesn't feel the need to censor herself makes hanging out with her truly fun.

The other day at school pick up, she looks over at one of the moms standing on the grass, and I could just see the wheels turning in her head...Not taking her eyes off the woman, she then proceeds to tell me her theory on the connection between menopause, and the fleece vest...I will let her elaborate on it further in depth, but just the subject alone is enough for pause for consideration and a big old...HMMMMMM. Okay, it's past pups' bedtime, hate to leave you hanging, but that's all I've got for you right now!

Stink And The City

So CStink and I went to Manhattan for the day on Sunday. We tromped and tramped all over the place, never hitting up a taxi or subway once. We started off in Chelsea, and worked our way over to the Meat Packing District to see some of the design displays going on over the weekend in the shops over there. Boy has the neighborhood changed...I lived on 15th St for a year waaaaaaay back when, and let me tell you, the Meat Packing District was just that...stinky, yucky, fly buzzing meat packing! Now? Hello, Alexander McQueen...

From there we went trolling all over Soho. The weather was completely schizophrenic, with intermittent downpours and sunshine. We could have cared less. Our jaunt ended in Little Italy, with CStink stopping by the Paul Frank boutique to pick up some stuff for her pups, and then a late meal. We walked back up to her Disco, parked on 22nd St., and made it back to Mass. by 11:p. Not too shabby for a Sunday drive, huh? It was awesome to be back, and I miss it always! The only thing missing was a visit with my boy, B., and having the luxury of time to spend with him, and various cousins and friends still living there.

Last year, when I was there in the summer, I couldn't get over how many babies there were in the city. This time, I couldn't get over how many DOGs there were all over the place...on the sidewalks, inside the shops...it was incredible.
We also saw the world's tiniest baby sitting fully upright on her father's shoulder...she was smaller than my pups when they were newborns, and we're guessing from her ability to sit upright unassisted, she was a lot older than she looked, even though she was only about the size of her dad's head...it was more fascinating to see than it sounds, trust me.

CStink warned a man with three Weimaraners that one of them had a chicken bone in its mouth, and when he walked away from us, I told her it was William Wegman. He should have thanked her for it, because he was oblivious to the bone...but he didn't. Eh, whatever!

So that's it! Off to the gym to go walk/run off the lovely shin splints I got from wearing improperly cushioned ballet flats all day Sunday. Later!

No more tankinis!

It's no joke when I tell you that I am woefully out of shape. I'm thankful for my fashion background, because since giving birth to my two boys, I have had to rely heavily on my knowledge to camoflauge my lovely lady lumps...Alas, summer is zooming in, and the thoughts I had midwinter of losing my now nearly three year old extra baby carrying weight is now just a distant memory...But, I am determined, and as you Stinkydoos out there are my witness, I am saying now that the days of the bikini are not gone forever, and that I would like to be back in itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-bikini shape by mid summer. July, perhaps? To start it off, I re-joined the gym this week, and my friend, the owner, gave me a training session my first day. When she said to me, "They call me the slave driver." I had no doubts that I was in for it! She had me work my legs, and now, two days later, I tell you that I can barely walk.

I keep calling up or texting CStink, and whining like a baby about my quads! (For those of you who don't know, CStink is a long distance sports junkie, and can run, run, run, forevah! She's in amazing shape and has no need to camoflauge any lumps because she has none to hide!) She's loving the pain I'm in! Okay, so I am too, I admit. I think it's hi-larious that I cannot walk up or down any stairs without huge assistance from the railing, and that I look like I'm in a John Wayne cowboy movie when descending, thinking that I need some chaps. I can hardly lower myself to sit down on the pot, it's that bad! I shake and tremble and need to grab onto the sink counter...

Mr.BS is LOVING it. He keeps whispering to the Stinkpups to go pat mommy on the thighs, or the buns because he knows I'm in total lactic acid agony, and then howls with laughter to see me yelping in pain! Such a sadistic man I married!!! But, hey, I would be doing the exact same thing if this were him, so I really can't blame him for I am twice as merciless as he! He, BTW, also got a year membership from our generous friend, and now has no excuse but to attempt to shrink dem daddy boobies and lovely lady lumps he's been growing all winter.

I went back in today to treadmill off some of the pain, but man, was I seeing green clouds of dizziness when I finally stepped down from the machine! I drove straight from the gym to the local market, and blessed the nice Japanese sushi man for his California rolls, got back in the car, and wolfed down the whole package, sans wasabi and soy sauce. (too hungry to bother!) Tomorrow it's back to the gym. I am determined not to fail! There was some study done a few years back that revealed that the person that stays home to watch the kids has a higher chance of developing heart disease, and I really feel like I could be a candidate for that if I remain on the path I have been lying down on for the past 5 years. So, wish me luck...I'm going to need it!

PS. CStink told me something riotous the other day...Her Kuukie and my Mr. BigStink were having lunch together a few weeks back, and when Kuukie kiddingly told CStink that they were actually at Hooters, she responded by texting them back saying she and I also had reservations at some place with an onslaught of hilarious foot-long hot dog references...when she was finally finished, Kuukie told her that my Mr. BigStink looked at him and said about her..."Wow, you've got your hands full with that one." hehehe...so great! It's no wonder we get along.

Square Pegs

Hey Stinkerdoos, Long time no see...We have been toying with the idea of doing an audio post, so that's where our heads have been as of late. Stay tuned for some raucous good Stinkmum fun for the ears. In the meantime...a feast for the eyes...I stumbled onto this artist, Annie Morris, and specifically a body of work of hers called, "Pegs". Click image to go to site to see more at Artnet.com. When you see the work from afar, it looks almost tapestry...but it is comprised of a series of clothes pins, each of which the artist has illustrated, painted, drawn on...It must have been a huge, painstaking, time consuming effort, and for that alone, I am very impressed, not to mention the amazing outcome. Love it. If you go to the website, you can see a closeup image of the pegs to see her intricate detail. It's not often I see contemporary art that affects, or moves me enough to write about...

On the flipside of things, I am still fully immersed in the book, I, Elizabeth, and up to my eyeballs in the English ways. Speaking of eyeballs, I've also resumed my intermittent eyelid tick. My right lower eyelid has been ticking and tremoring since Saturday, and I'm about ready to lose it! My big bro told me that tonic water with Quinine makes it go away. I tried it, yet I'm still twitchy-witchy. I must look all a-freak...with my dirty self, (no shower today! ) and eyelid tremor. Shall I milk it just for fun, and add an odd head twitch, spasm thing to it to complete the effect? It would, afterall, fully illustrate the craziness that's been going on inside my head! I queried my malady on WebMD, and discovered that they are usually stress related...greeaaaat. Got to love that! At any rate, this is AStinkmum, aka, Momma-Noided-Out, saying,
Have a good day, Stinx! (And, stay tuned for upcoming audio post!)

I, Stinknerd

I think I may have blogged in the past about having a thing for period English movies and books("Sense and Sensibility", Shakespeare, etc)...I can't remember though...No matter. The other evening I was flipping channels, and stumbled upon HBO's "Elizabeth I"

series...it was late at night, I was tired, yet...I could not stop watching. I had actually picked up the book, "I, Elizabeth" the other day, so it kind of goes against my "read the book before seeing the movie" ideals, but hey, it's history, not pure fiction, and I already knew the story, so, eh, whatever! So there I was, watching the show...and I was half an hour into it when I realized that I was sitting in the bed bolt upright with the remote still in my hand. It was so good! I couldn't help but laugh at my sheer dorkiness...I had caught myself just a few weeks ago doing nearly almost the same thing while watching a small piece on the Beastie Boys on Fuse's, Influenc'd. I wasn't sitting bolt upright, but realized at some point during the program that I had been open-mouthed smiling at the television for Lord only knows how long. DORKUS AMONGUS!! It's pretty bad when you consciously have to snap your mouth shut...Sigh...English period pieces and the Beastie Boys...I am one strange bird...I mean...nerd.

Oh! Here's another thing I have taken to doing lately...I am very embarrassed to tell you that more than once in the past few weeks, I have been in the car driving along, reached for the radio, and realized that my hair was shut in the door...

I think I need a vacation...

Long Live Beck...

Yesterday at school pick up time I let BabyStinkPup run around the preschool playground for a bit. He was in his glory! The preschoolers were all calling his name, asking him to chase them, and giving him all this great love and attention. At one point, one of the girls called out to the teacher and said, "Miss Allison! He just said, 'That's awesome!' " Yes, indeedy...that would be mom and dad's influence on him...he says everything's awesome...his two year old repertoire of words also includes: that's so cool, and yo yo yo... I'm not too worried about it though, because it sounds cute, he'll grow out of it, and he really doesn't know what he's saying when he says it for the most part.

-- On the way home from dinner tonight we were all in the car, and I said, "Thanks for dinner, dad!" to prompt the boys...and Mr. BigStink says, "Did you guys hear what mommy just said?" and BabyStinkpup looks at him from his carseat and says, "...Two turntables and a microphone?" I kid you not! I was howling. --PEACE OUT!

I'm on a PMS tirade...so don't even bother reading this if you don't feel like hearing about my petty annoyances...

---Was lazing around on the couch looking at some mail order clothing catalogs in a completely comatose state when I was overcome with disgust and tossed the stack to the side in complete, "Ugghhhh!" Can't these companies at least make an effort to come up with something new and fresh instead of recycling the same shit over and over again? Speaking of recycling...that's exactly where the catalogs are going...

These are some of the things I am absolutely sick of from sheer overkill:

• Anything Hawaiian hibiscus print -- It's freaking everywhere
• Anything bamboo
• Home decorating with anything to do with surfing --tables, sheets, curtains, infact, theme anything is bad
• Merrells or anything resembling Merrells
• Lily Pulitzer knock-offs - Four summers ago the entire center of Edgartown on Martha's Vineyard was over-run with shops carrying the tell tale pink and green...now it's in Walmart!
• Ribbon belts
• Anything personalized or monogrammable
• Thick strapped bathingsuits...especially ones made of ribbed fabric...what about us itty-bitty-titty girls that don't require our boobs to be jacked up, lashed down, underwired or padded?
• Silk shantung. --eccchhh!
• Anything beaded, bedazzled, or applique'd
• West Coast Chopper - the label is so overly distributed that half the people probably don't even know that it's an actual shop.
• Euro stickers
• $6,000 blue jeans
• velour track suits
• metallic accessories
• fake flowers on everything, the knitted kind, the silk kind, the beaded kind,...lapels to shoes...
• Extreme Home Makeover...they are helping the needy, yes, that's GOOD! They're also erecting these unnecessarily enormous and grandiose MacMansions with these over the top theme rooms...it's such a waste of man-made and natural resources...just think of heating, cooling, electric and water costs alone for these places...and what about the way they pull down the old houses for dramatic effect? You cannot tell me that none of these homes contained asbestos or lead paint...they're just releasing all of that shit into the environment to float around...ugh, don't get me started we can't even stomach to watch it anymore...and PS. Ty Pennington! For a hottie, you have major sun damage going on!!! Get yourself some SPF!
• Also on the environmentally negligent and irresponsibly wasteful side are major toy companies that have taken to wiring down every single piece of a toy with plastic coated twistie-ties, making it almost impossible to remove it from its packaging. NOT necessary, and completely wasteful and totally contributing to non-biodegradeable materials into our ever growing landfills. Shame on you!
• Home shopping channels...OMG! Can you believe the stuff that sells out??? I can't even tell you the crap we receive year after year from a certain QVC addicted family member...It always goes something like this..."Oh! You plug it into your car lighter, and attach it to the other car's battery to give them a jump...I got one for you, your brother, his wife, your wife, oh, and one for myself." OR "It's also a flashlight, screwdriver, nail file, seatbelt cutter and hammer to break yourself out of your car window incase you ever drive into a lake...I got one for you, your brother, his wife, your wife, oh, and one for myself." ALL of it ends up at rummage.

_______________________________________________

Okay, it's now the morning after I wrote the above post...I saved it as a draft last night because I felt like I was getting all wonky on the road and driving waaaaayyy off point. Even in my PMS tirade, I still had enough wits about myself to see that I was headed straight toward petty Whinertown which is just past Annoyingville. I was going to trash the whole thing when I thought to myself...You know what? Just publish the shitty thing! Read in Dr. Phil's voice: "Quit yer whining and own up to your crazy deluded crap!" So here goes...shaky mouse...headed towards the publish button...aaaaaaaaaahhhh!

AAAAR-R-R, Matey's!!!

Phew! I am waving the StinkFlag high and mighty today, boyeeee!!! BigStinkPup's on his second day home sick from school, so why even bother to shower?...sheee-yat!

Yesterday was nutty here though, let me tell you. Mutiny on the stinkship amongst the stinkpups...they were totally bugging the crap out of eachother and I had to stage so many interventions over toy struggles that I felt like jumping overboard...The whole, "Try to work it out amongst yourselves" approach failed miserably as neither one of them would give in. I keep warning BigStinkPup not to use brute force on BabyStinkPup too...I say..."You know...He may be bigger than you one day...Then what are you going to do?" He just looks at me blankly because his 5 year old perception of the future can't fully grasp the concept, and I can almost see the thought bubble over his head as he envisions BabyStinkPup to be this enlarged version of his exact 2 year old self, like the giant baby in the movie, "Honey, I Blew Up The Kids." Sigh...

Okay, moving on...my cousin called me the other day as said, "Guess who came to my yoga class today?" I had no idea...I'm guessing Phillip Seymour Hoffman, (whom we both adore), to Adam Yauch, (whom I also adore...he has the coolest speaking voice, and when he says words like, Milarepa, I melt in a puddle into my shoes) to, I have no idea so tell me!!! It was Shalom Harlow. She said the class was completely filled, and Shalom ended up right next to her. Um...I'm sorry, but if Shalom ever came into my yoga class and plopped her willowy self down on a mat next to me I'd probably have to leave because I would feel like Jabba the Hut trying to do downward facing dog with her right there in my view. I'm not knocking her, as she's a nice gal. A beloved friend of mine invited her to come to see a Beck/Cibo Matto show at the Supper Club...(One of my top ten best concerts seen...that was a very long time ago--we're talking "Odelay" album...oh and BTW, Cibo Matto --see pic.-- should win an award for Cutest Band Ever...) I walked with her before the show started to get a cup of coffee...I'm not kidding when I tell you that I felt like a pug on a leash walking next to her...so yeah...no yoga classes with Shalom on my "things I want to do" list. Thanks...

So that's all I've got for you today, Stinkeroos...Yeah, I know...Sorry about the NOT exactly mind blowing Pulitzer prize winning material. CStink's visiting with her mumma, "the Buddhist Nun superhero", as she so wonderfully called her! --So awesome! But never fear, we will hear from her soon and she can rescue us all from my simple minded blah-blah-blah's that I've been posting about lately. Until then, Ciao for now!

The Drool Pool

Mornin', Stinky-Doos. I woke up so late this morning, and it was nothing but rush, rush, rush to get the Pups up, washed, fed and out of the house for school,...so...once again, no shower for moi! Boy, do I need one too...Since I didn't have any time, I did the hair-up/flowery doo ragg cover up with big black sunglasses so as to camo the Stinkaction. I wonder if the teachers have caught on to me yet..."When her hair's down, she stops and says hello...when it's up and hidden...she's all cold and distant...What's up with that?" What's up with that? I'll tell you what's up with that...it's to spare you from the P Stinkin' U!

CStink's lucky...both of her pups are at the "big school" where you just pull up front and the kids hop out of the car and go to their classrooms themselves...no need to walk them in and put their lunches, coats, and snacks away like in the PreK building. She doesn't have to get out of the Disco, so she could feasibly show up in her jammies if she wanted to! --Not that she would, mind you, and if she did they'd probably be Tocca or Natori, or Calvin, or something equally as fabulous. As for me? I've been known to sport a beat up nightie with old maternity pants for pj's, --so sexy! huh?-- and then wear them with clogs and socks on a cold winter morning 'round the house... the only thing missing is the showercap and housecoat. Actually, I kind of dig those schizophrenic types of outfits. I get a kick out of them for some absurd reason. (Maybe because you're crazy...Who said that??)

Going to go scrub up before lunch...because, believe it or not even StinkMums have their limits. I was thinking that standing under a waterfall would be an appropriate amount of water force to cleanse myself off...and to illustrate that thought, I Googled, waterfall, looking for a pic to post...I got this image back as one of the hits... Holy cow, is that not an ugly sink??? It looks like one giant flow of spit oozing off the countertop. I wouldn't be surprised if I Googled, lung cookie, and the same image popped up. ACK. Just seeing it makes me feel like I need to go hack something up...Being that anything creative is just totally subjective, I can imagine someone looking at the same sink and saying, "Oh my Gawd! It's so creative and ahr-tis-tic. I have to have one!" I'll pass, thanks. Sorry to the artiste..I'm sure the processes and thoughts and efforts that went into the design were genuine...and that you didn't mean to signal a Pavlovian response in me...'ding!' Okay, I'll stop now. I'm actually starting to feel guilty for ripping on a sink. Go figure.

I'll leave you today with a quote from Sartre..."If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company”...Hmmmmmmm...?... Now that's something to gnaw on! Have a great day my Stinkies...This is AStinkmumma--OUT!

--Okay, so I'm back for some further thoughts on the Sartre quote. I left the computer, took a shower, and pondered a bit on the whole topic of loneliness. I am inherently a lonely individual...it's always sort of been my credo of self-pity...not in a whiny, woe is me, kind of way...but more sort of just resigned to the fact that I am a loner by nature.

One of the reasons CStink and I get along is because we are cut from the same cloth when it comes to our time...we would both rather spend our time alone than to fill it up with endless amounts of people, just for the sake of having company. It wastes time.

Over the years I have pretty much weeded out those who I felt were masters in the art of time suckage...just pretty much, insignificant, selfish, paranoid, insecure, or just too self-absorbed to know the meaning of unconditional love. I espouse unconditional love and view it as being a rare, yet essential part of surviving this crazy, crazy world! You need to know you are loved no matter what by at least some-one, and in return, that someone knows that you will love them no matter what in return! No weird, neurotic expectations or demands involved...just you accepting them for who they truly are, and vice versa...And, luckily I have unconditional love in my life, and appreciate unceasingly, those who are truly near and dear to my heart. When all the weeding was said and done, I must admit, the numbers of those that made the cut were pretty low indeed...and it just so happens that they are the ones that live the furthest away from me, so I miss them like mad. (You know who you are!) We go for long periods of not being in contact, yet the love never fades, and when we do see one another, we just fall right back into step as if not even a day had passed. THAT's friendship...kinship...family.

I tend to, especially at certain times of the month, blend missing my friends with the feelings of loner-dom, and they compound themselves into a solitude frenzy akin to sitting at the bottom of a well. But, I always, always can see the light of the sky when I look up from my pit of despair, and always, always manage to climb out of the funk hole. Like one of my far away buds once said to me, (Whose dog happens to be named Sartre) "Shiny side up...always, always." YES! Thank you for that!!! And, though I may not be keeping the best company with myself, each and everyday, I am who I am by choice, and I must abide by and respect my decisions without doubting...so what JPSartre said is very true and a good thing to keep reminding myself of...to keep up the momentum of my existence...to keep the shiny side up!